for matt and jordan and the woman in the tree

. . . I’m standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff—I mean if they’re running and they don’t look where they’re going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That’s all I’d do all day. I’d just be the catcher in the rye and all.

The thing with kids is, if they want to grab for the gold ring, you have to let them do it,

sending you love and light and letting you go.

x = x

On Friday I cried on the phone with one of my survivor friends because some days it is just hard all over again. Most days have been good, so it catches me off guard. I tell her it is not fair. It is not fair to have this to deal with when this is not mine. I think that I can't quite convince myself that it is true. _ ___ ________ __ __ ___. Is that true? I can't quite convince myself that there is not a chance that it is not true. She tells me it is true. It feels like someone else's truth.

MP says that whether or not I know if _ ___ ________ __ __ ___ the process is the same. Well, okay, then, I guess it just does not matter if. I guess I will continue to deal with this when this is not mine and not even know if. My grief about not knowing catches me off guard. This again. My grief about the unfairness of not knowing, and knowing.

rhizomes, revisited

Rhizome Cross-Section

 

"A rhizome may be broken, shattered at a given spot, but it will start up again on one of its old lines, or on new lines." - Deleuze and Guattari

dear life / dear self

more glitter, more bowie.

fall and winter projects

It's raining today but when I started this post a week ago it was unseasonably sunny and warm.

Summer used to be my favorite season and before I moved north I dreaded the cold.

But soon fall became transfigured for me; I discovered a love of fresh, chilly air. Fall became associated with soft sweater tights, scarves knitted by friends, pretty hats, football games, caramel apples, hot chocolate, cuddling, blankets, and being cozy. Opportunities to open myself up to the possibility of different kinds of warmth.

But. I still dread the short days. When the sun sets early, my heart sinks with it. The day is over too soon. I go into hibernation.

But. Maybe this is an opportunity to transfigure darkness and shorter days. To open myself up to the possibility of experiencing different kinds of light. So maybe instead of resisting and dreading and kicking my feet about the winter I will use this time to refigure the winter sun, to find new things to love in dark evenings and short days.

i hate the psychiatrist

It's like going to a doctor and describing your symptoms except where your symptoms are all your most closely guarded and emotionally painful personal things summed up in a ten minute questionnaire. But it is ok because I watched this video like seven times on the way home, took a xanax, and completely forgot how to care about the fact that I have never met a psychiatrist with any kind of bedside manner, at least not one who has had any openings on short notice. I wish that Jason Seigl was my best friend though.

it takes an ocean not to break