no longer do we wonder

mr o sent me this video this morning. overwhelmed with love and gratitude and belonging and faith and hope and love.

hey jude

refrain.

take a sad song, and make it better.

na na na nananana nananana

steps

be kinder.

forgive my faults when I encounter them in others.

distance.

talked to one of my survivor friends again yesterday. we need the same things.

talked to mr o about survival again. he gets it. i ask him ridiculous questions. need to be assured of ridiculous things, over and over again. asked him, did i lie when i told all those people x, when i named it x? was x x? over and over. his patience is unfathomable.

whilst needing to edit my paper on survivor knowledge. figures.

journal

1/5/2009: Survival used to mean drawing inward, shutting down and waiting for things--the ____, the words, the ______---to pass, and sometimes still does mean shutting down and means again and again surviving my own coping mechanisms, breaking open the home I never stopped living inside of, cracking it open and letting life ^back in.

5 am resolution

To make my mistakes much more loudly.

s

Holding the memory in my bones still, though time has worked its traces out of most of my cells, time and words and partners and breathing and practice dislodges it.