movement

Got together with a friend and colleague yesterday to talk about our current writing goals, and yes, consume some whiskey. She tells me that she hopes to finish her current chapter by the end of the semester, and I tell her that I hope to do aerobic exercise three times a week, yoga twice a week, and to write something, even a few sentences, everyday. Sentences unrelated to my dissertation. Just to get my fingers moving. Just to get my body moving, to clear my mind, to begin creating a calm and vibrant space in which I can begin to trace the contours of This Stupid Project (title in progress). My friend understands and approves of these as appropriate writing goals.

I am nearly, nearly ABD, so naturally my real goal is to just forfuckssake write a draft of my proposal, finally. I am so close, you see, I just need to figure out the whole shape of my project and write it up to the different likings of three or five different faculty members and in the process continue. reading. so much shit. But I am also so very stuck. I have been stuck for so long that it is hard to even imagine the way to becoming unstuck.

I wrote these words down yesterday:

I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind. If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to think about it . . . We do not write in order to be understood, we write in order to understand. - C. Day Lewis

To remind myself that I don't need to have everything figured out when I sit down to write. To remind myself that in the act of writing I will discover the areas that need more thought and exploration, to remind myself that I am not yet meant to be An Expert.