dear jordan, there's bars out here for miles

not everyone survives. (you know this.) sometimes I wish I could ask you how we did it. not because I need reasons or ways. and not even because I need to understand the difference between you and me and someone who dies alone in a truck in a field.

I need to know that you still saw something in me when I was at my worst. I don't mean some kind of strength to pull through, or that sort of thing, but I need to know that you saw me. that I was not, am not, unknown. that I am not as ordinary as you later made me feel and as I have been feeling lately. that I wasn't always expendable.

I don't even know if I have faith anymore that you understood or would understand. you are so far away. but if not you, who, really.

so, have you figured it all out yet, how to be happy, how to be sad and kind, how to be.

m

if you can't say anything nice

7 was magnetic.
4 had a charming smile.
15 taught me how to read.
9 forgives.
5 was unbelievably witty.
10 was easy to talk to.
26 was a kindred spirit.
8 is adorable when he's happy.
14 has accomplished great things.
11 has great taste in books.
12 is dedicated and hard-working.
16 really tries sometimes.
6 taught me some of what it takes to be in a healthy relationship.
13 has survived under toxic conditions.
22 was a great friend.

facts

I made a list of people who have hurt me in some significant way. Here are some facts about that list.

There are 31 people on the list.
26 of the people on the list are men.
11 of the men have first names that begin with the letter J.
7 of the men have last names that begin with the letter W.
1 last name is unknown to me.
6 people share a name with someone else on the list.
2 more share the same name with different spellings.
There are 9 people whose middle names I know.
4 are people that I met in the last 5 years.
8 have done things that hurt me in the last 3 years.

I estimate that 1/2 of the people on the list are taller than me.
Around 18 are older (or probably older) than me.
4 have served in some branch of the military.
4 have talked to me about being suicidal.
I have seen 1 of the people on the list in the hospital.
Everyone on the list is alive.
2 are invited to my wedding.
3 were once on the guest list but were removed.
3 are probably reading this.
There are 8 people on the list I would describe as gross.
There is only 1 person on the list I would describe as ugly.
There is only 1 person on the list who I think probably does not have any redeemable qualities.
To my knowledge only 1 person on the list actually fucks horses.

11 lied about things I can remember off the top of my head.
7 have told me they love me.
1 person on the list probably does not know that he hurt me at all.
2 still owe me a breakup phone call.
9 know that I am a survivor.
1 relationship has been repaired.
I would say that I am completely over 20 of these people and/or whatever happened between us.
The other 11 still hurt sometimes.

It's hard to stay mad at number 15 because I feel sorry for him.
It's hard to stay mad at 9 for the same reason.
I am still the most utterly confused by 21.
8 seems completely unnecessary.
7 hurts the worst.
5 and I did the most damage to each other.
6 did not mean to hurt me.

change l'air

get angry

be angry, burn everything

grieve in your toes and fingertips

get stung by scorpions in your dreams

talk to people who say the right things, people who say the wrong things, people who say no thing

be kind to yourself

learn and remember, remember again to listen when people tell you who they are

open the windows, abre la puerta

be better

let the new air in

In his dreams God was much occupied. Spoken to He did not answer. Called to did not hear. The man could see Him bent at his own work. As if through a glass. Seated solely in the light of his own presence. Weaving the world. In his hands it flowed out of nothing and in his hands it vanished into nothing once again. Endlessly. Endlessly. . . . And somewhere in that tapestry that was the world in its making and in its unmaking was a thread that was he and he woke weeping (149).

There is but one world and everything that is imaginable is necessary to it. . . . Every least thing. This is the hard lesson. Nothing can be dispensed with. Nothing despised. Because the seams are hid from us, you see. The joinery. The way in which the world is made (143).

Cormac McCarthy, The Crossing

you change all the lead / sleepin in my head / to gold

blah

things have been blah for awhile now. for no real reason b/c there's no excuse, my life is easy and good.

our water was off for a bit yesterday and came back on yellow, and then less yellow, and then cloudy, so I'm worried about the coffee.

I fall down the stairs on my way out to get coffee.

And ___ ___ ____ ___ ___ ______ ____ __ fuck.

but the music is full and sweet. thank god.